Seven days : Alot can happen in a week!
by tetsuke-chan
Summary: Byakuya and Renji have a bet to see who can get away with deceiving the whole of soul society. Can they survive one whole week pretending to be each other? NOT BYAxREN. Includes: Ichiruki, Hitsuhina, HisagiOC and some random peoples :D
1. Chapter 1

**

* * *

Title**: Seven days- a lot can happen in a week 

**Summary**:

Kuchiki Byakuya and Abarai Renji have a bet to see who can get away with deceiving the whole of soul society- can they possibly survive one whole week pretending to be each other? The gods of soul society help us!

**Includes**: Ichiruki, Hitsuhina and Hisagirei, some random captains and also minor characters. THIS IS NOT A BYAxREN STORY. THEY ARE JUST MAINS.

**Disclaimer: **Bleachnot mine. But hey, a girl can dream :D

**Important: **In this story, Reishiko (my twin Melissa's OC) is the new 5th division captain. She and Hisagi were at the academy together and they fought side by side and he saved her loads of times before. And she's an expert at kidou and can recognise kidou even when it's masked. Remember that or you won't get it. Mmmkay ;)

**Act One: Seven Days of conspiracy**

Prologue

It was a nice, sunny day. The day was nice and sunny and all that wonderful crap people use to describe a nice, sunny day. Because hey, a nice, sunny day was just that. A nice, sunny day. Abarai Renji didn't really care what kind of language was used to describe it. I mean, heck- in the end, it was still a nice, sunny day, wasn't it? Pretty words weren't going to make it prettier. Or--was that the whole point of using pretty words? Hmm. But enough about Renji's musings, or you'll spend an eternity reading this story.

…

Why wasn't he outside? He could be drinking, or walking, or… or drinking, or doing a million zillion things he wanted to do. But nooooooo, he was waiting in the doorway of the 6th division office waiting for paperwork to be handed to him so that he could go do it. What the hell was up with paperwork and Gotei 13 anyway! THIS is definitely the cause of global warming. Someone should tell the Soutaichou--but of course he wasn't going to be that someone. He actually valued his limbs. Again, Renji sighed. Here he was, wasting his life away, rotting, dying, and it was all because of--

" Renji. All this work is to be completed by noon." Kuchiki Byakuya handed him a huge stack of paperwork, finally noticing his presence. Like hell, he'd been there waiting for, well, FOREVER. (Or at least it felt that way…)

Renji sighed. He swore, if there was a law about treating your subordinates nicely, his Taichou would have been arrested a loooong time ago. Renji turned to go, trying to be a little optimistic. _Well, at least this was all-_

"And don't forget this stack too." with that, Byakuya handed Renji a HUGER stack of paperwork.

His optimism shrivelled, dried up like Matsumoto without sake, and died.

How he _really_ hated Byakuya.

"Damn that bastard." Renji muttered quietly, turning to leave the office to go do all the work.

" What was that, Renji?"

…Obviously not quietly enough…

Renji felt some sort of hopelessness well up in him as he turned around, struggling to come up with some totally lousy excuse.

"Uh…nothing, Taichou, I…uh, I…wanted some custard!" Really, what was the point when anyone could tell it was a lousy excuse?

" Really? I'm sure I heard 'bastard'. " Byakuya stated calmly, undercurrents of disdain in his voice. "Such incompetence can only be demonstrated by someone as low-class as you. A lousy excuse."

"…!"

" I wonder how you became fukutaichou in the first place…with such low IQ…" Byakuya mused to himself, ignoring Renji's silent, indignant fuming. ( which, seeing as they were silent, was pretty easy to do. ) "I'm surprised you're not dead yet... Well, I suppose it is only a matter of time…"

"If I'm dead, there's more paperwork!" Renji retorted. " Besides, you don't know how hard my life is!"

" Really." Byakuya's words dripped with sarcasm. "Partying, drinking, slacking….That _must_ be rather hard for _you, _I suppose."

" Well, of course Taichou's the only one who's ever right! I bet you wouldn't last _one week _as me!" Renji frowned momentarily, seemingly having been hit by a sudden onslaught of thinking. His frown deepened, then it turned into a smirk. "There's an idea!"

Renji's eyes lit up with maddened determination.

"Here's the deal! We see who can survive pretending to be each other for a week. Switch uniforms and everything. We could use kidou to conceal our riatsu. We have to deceive the whole of Gotei 13, and the loser is the one that is found out!"

Renji had never looked more determined in his life. That look was reminiscent to the one he wore when he had wanted sake so badly he was going to steal Matsumoto's share, too.

…He _was_ serious, wasn't he?

Byakuya contemplated for a suitable response to such an absurd suggestion. But, of course, being Byakuya, coming up with a suitable response wasn't much of a challenge.

Byakuya just stared calmly on as if he could not hear him at all.

" What do you think, Taichou?"

What was scarier than Renji having such insane ideas, was the fact that he was having them when he was sober.

"Utter nonsense. There is no way we could get away with it, and even if we did, there would be no point to this meaningless venture."

Renji scoffed. " Those are excuses. You're just scared because you know I'll be the winner. Ne, Taichou?" His smirk grew. His superior attitude was starting to irritate Byakuya. So he paused for a brief moment to consider the challenge.

…And sighed. "What will become of the loser?"

Renji's smirk grew more pronounced. He continued without even pausing to think.

" Well…If it's you, you have to drink fifty buckets of sake. If it's me, I will do one year's worth of paperwork….But it won't be me anyway." Renji's overconfidence was glaringly obvious, and Byakuya frowned in annoyance. " Remember, Taichou…"

"The bet is for one week."

Byakuya narrowed his eyes slightly as Renji reminded him of the duration of their self-induced torture.

"Starting…right _now_."

_Let the games begin!_

**

* * *

Chapter one (Yes i know finally!)**

" Renji! Nii-sama! Hey…"

Rukia walked into the 6th division, speaking but not concentrating on what was going on, engrossed in random thoughts.

"Nii-sama, Ukitake-Taichou told me to inform you of an urgent Taichou meeting, since your jigoku-chou went missing in action mysteriously." Rukia frowned slightly.

……Why was there no reaction to her call? Rukia turned.

Rukia turned , noticing some figures in the corner. For some strange reason Byakuya and Renji were shuffling around in a corner, their backs turned to her. She sighed in relief. She had been worrying over nothing. Where else could they have gone? She frowned as she looked closer at the turned backs of the two figures.

"…"

She frowned some more.

"………………………………"

Rukia stared at the scene before her in utter terror as she finally broke through the shock barrier in her head and registered what was going on. Oh yes, some very, very, very evil forces were at work here. This was clearly a sign of impending Armageddon.

"What's going on?!"

Byakuya and Renji turned, noticing her presence due to her outburst. She looked from one to the other in terror. In fact they were getting slightly worried, she looked like she was positively hyperventilating.

"Nii-sama?!"  
"Renji?!"

"_**Why are you two dressed up as each other?!"**_

Byakuya and Renji were indeed now in their disguises, though apparently not very well-disguised. Shock was written all over their features at the fact that Rukia, the first person to see them, had already figured it out.

"How did you know?" they demanded.

Rukia smiled, almost in a pitying way, getting over it a little. "Well, maybe it's the hair colour and length and the mannerisms and ….."

"OKAY WE GET IT!" Renji cut her off. He turned to Byakuya furiously.

"It's all Taichou's fault! See, now even Rukia recognises us!"

"This bet wasn't my idea to begin with," Byakuya stated.

Rukia blinked as the two men glared daggers at each other, slowly understanding the situation and their problem. Then, in one of those those unexplainably coincidental ways which usually occur in stories with many unexplained coincidences, she smiled as if she had the solution to all their problems.

"It just so happens that I have the solution."

She held a bottle of hair dye in front of the two heads that had swivelled in her direction, a huge grin on her face, as she proclaimed, " I got it in black to match my hair!"

Byakuya paused for a moment. "Doesn't that defeat its purpose?"

Rukia lapsed into momentary despair as Renji took the dye, musing.

" I guess I could use this dye, but how are we going to find red dye for Taichou?"

"OMG. This sounds like a job for the ultimate Renji fan boy!"

All heads turned to Rikichi which had popped out of a window that had mysteriously appeared right behind Renji. Rikichi smiled in gleeful, giddy joy at seeing his idol.

"I have red hair dye, you can use ALL of it, Renji-san!" He grinned and handed Renji the hair dye, staring at Renji reverently. Renji mumbled an akward thanks, sort of creeped out.

"Glad to be of help!" Rikichi cried happily as he popped back out of sight.

Rukia was rather ignored while the other two were continuing to perfect their disguise, but she noted that at least they looked believably like one another now. Because Renji was hiding his tattoos under his scarf, and Byakuya was adjusting the bandana with a small tug. Then she made the small mistake of clearing her throat unintentionally.

Two pairs of eyes suddenly fixed upon her with burning intensity as Byakuya and Renji now cast each other meaningful glances. Byakuya and Renji smiled, or well Renji smiled more, Byakuya controlled himself by only looking all quietly scheming and plotting. Oh, yes. Definitely plotting.

" Now that she knows…" Renji began, smiling disturbingly.

"…What shall we do?" Byakuya finished calmly, but with a small tinge of evil in his voice.

Rukia gulped, backing into the wall. Why were they closing in on her? Why were they cornering her? And most importantly…

" Nii-sama…? Renji…?"

They moved closer still as her eyes widened even more in terror.

"Why are you two smiling…like… that……?"

Perhaps Rukia already realised her impending doom, for she _only_ yelled once.

* * *

…Somewhere in Karakura, Kurosaki Ichigo sneezed. 

He looked around blankly, eyes falling on his open window. _Must be the draft, _he concluded. Then, a little purple butterfly fluttered through the window and landed on the windowsill. Ichigo frowned. _Time to close the window. _He walked over, then paused for a second as his eyes fell on the insect. This butterfly looked very familiar…in fact, almost…like the ones…in…

Realisation hit him hard in the face. Literally.

"Dammit Rukia! That hurt! Can't you just knock or at least warn me before you bash my freaking face!"

She didn't react to this, sitting on his bed. He got up, annoyed at: a) Being bashed in the face, and b) being ignored. He noticed her hair looked mussed up and her eyes flashed dangerously. She looked dead serious. He dropped the whole subject completely, frowning.

"What's happened? Is it hollows--"

Rukia shook her head, and then narrowed her eyes, her expression solemn and sombre.

"No. It's far worse."

(Dramatic music plays--)

* * *

Renji panted, pulling at the haori that kept slipping off him as he ran. He was already too late--how could he have forgotten? Rukia just told him! Curse Ichigo for living so far away. Having to drag Rukia there and leave her meant that he did not have much time left. Damn Ichigo.

* * *

Somewhere in his house, Ichigo sneezed.

* * *

Renji looked back to his path, concentrating only on running like his life depended on it-because, it just so happened that it did. 

_Ohno ohno ohno ohno ohno_

He wasn't going to make it.

**Thump thump thump**

**Pant pant pant**

**Run dash rush SLAM**

"I'm so sorry I'm-"

Renji stood at the doors, looking around the room where all the captains had gathered for their meeting. Disapproving, annoyed and even surprised faces looked back. Wait--surprised? But wasn't it normal for Renji to be-

" It's not like you to be late, Kuchiki Taichou."

Oh, yeah. Today, he _wasn't _Renji. But he _was_ in deep shit.

"I'm so very sorry, Soutaichou!"

Everyone was silent as they watched the fake Byakuya bow deeply and step to his place nervously. Not one word was exchanged amongst them, but they all had the same sentiment: Being late and apologising nervously wasn't Byakuya at all. Some of the captains shifted uneasily. Some very mysterious forces were at work here. Forces that were disturbing and also downright creepy.

Hitsugaya Toshiro quietly cast a curious glance in Renji's way. _Indeed_.

However, a few rows down, the new fifth division's captain, Reishiko Mika, smiled. The kidou expert saw through everything.

_Oh, Hisagi--you're going to love this.

* * *

_

Ichigo swallowed, frowning. This was far, far worse than hollows. In fact, far worser than any kind of monster he had ever seen. It was utterly obscene. It was terrible. It looked like some sort of thing you'd see in a horror show with crazy slasher peoples. It was worse than one of Orihime's crazy culinary creations. No, wait--it was worse than all of that put together. Which was saying something. He backed away.

"Rukia, get that hideous shit outta my face!"

Rukia frowned and hit Ichigo hard over the head with her sketchbook. Her drawings were not that bad! Sure, that was what she said, and neither Renji, nor Ichigo, or many other people agreed… but what did they know, _she_ was the real artist. "Now do you understand the situation?"

"I understood it before! Now I'm just blind!"

…That earned him another hard whack. He pushed himself off the floor, furious. Didn't Rukia understand that her drawings totally sucked and that she should just stop? Surely blinding people with sinfully bad chicken scratches was a crime somewhere. Hopefully here. Riiiiight here.

"Dammit Rukia! Stop that!"

* * *

Somewhere else in Soul Society, Reishiko shunpo'ed over to Hisagi's office brightly, in rather a good mood. She knocked on the door. Twice. She paused, listening to sounds of movement inside, then knocked again. And again. And again. And againandagainandagainandagainandagainagainandagainandagainandagainandagain. Just to irritate him. Oh, yes, she took great pleasure in that. 

"Coming darn it!"

She was doing a good job, too.

Hisagi grumbled and walked over. Hadn't Reishiko ever heard of patience? That was just darned annoying. Or maybe that's why she did that. Hmmm. He swung open the door.

"What do you-"

Nobody there.

Sighing, he closed the door, turning around and shot an annoyed glance at Reishiko.

"You. Off my seat."

Reishiko ignored this, smiling like she knew something he didn't. Which was sort of the current situation.

"Yo, Hisagi."

"What are you here for?" Hisagi sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

Reishiko smiled up at him as he looked down at her from over the table.

"What would you say if I told you I knew a secret?"

* * *

Rukia ignored Ichigo and sat on the bed. Slowly her shoulders sagged and she was now looking positively desperate. "I have to get back to Soul Society." 

"Why? I'm pretty sure Renji and Byakuya can take care of themselves. Anyway, who cares? It's their problem, they got themselves into this mess. Why the hell should we get them out of it?"

Rukia glared at Ichigo. "Show some respect, Ichigo."

"Like hell they deserve it!"

She hit him over the head again, harder this time. _Much_ harder.

"You-!"

Rukia's rage was building up. " I _**just HAVE **_to get back to Soul Society!" It was vital for Ichigo to know this. How could he not know this? Was he a total moron? …Scratch that. Yes. Yes, he was.

The abovementioned suddenly felt a sudden pain. It was as if someone had called him stupid in her head. He wondered who it could be.

"…Ow."

* * *

Hitsugaya frowned, and put his brush down, deep in thought. 

Something was very very wrong here, he was sure of it. Byakuya, Kuchiki Byakuya being late? And nervous? What was wrong with the world? And as if those facts were not disturbing enough, he overheard a conversation while passing by the 6th division on the way to his own.

"Uh, how do you do this?"

And he saw the turned back of a white captain's haori approaching the desk that had someone sitting in front of it, someone with a head of red hair with a lieutenant's badge.

Kuchiki-Taichou? Asking for help with paperwork from-Renji?

It did not escape his notice that the desk Byakuya was sitting at was cluttered and messy and had bottles of sake there-and the bottles of sake were EMPTY.

All of that considered, Byakuya was clearly being replaced by a cheap fake from some toy making factory. It was extremely strange and weird and freaky and disturbing and creepy and like Matsumoto actually doing paperwork for once.

...And that was just so wrong on so many levels.

"Shirou-chan!"

He frowned as Hinamori broke his train of thought by coming into his office for no apparent reason at all.

" Why did you come into my office for no apparent reason at all?"

Hinamori smiled brightly. "Don't be so grumpy, Shirou-chan!" She walked over to his desk and perched herself on a nearby chair, ignoring Hitsugaya's attempt to correct her way of addressing him, "I just had some time and came over. Oh, and I was wondering about something. Mika-Taichou was really happy and mumbling to herself about something she figured out about Kuchiki-Taichou and Renji-kun. I was wondering if you knew anything, because she was also muttering about the Taichou meeting just now." She leaned forward curiously. "Do you know anything, Shirou-chan?"

Ignoring the name thing, Hitsugaya contemplated about telling her what he suspected…This might scar her for life. Then he looked at her in total seriousness and began.

"Well, Hinamori…"

* * *

"Why are you so desperate to go back anyway?" Ichigo asked, annoyed. "In that case you should have fought back when they kidnapped you and dumped you here-but you were probably too short to do much." He smirked. 

Rukia shot him a look of pure hate as he narrowly missed the pillow coming his way. " I am not! Anyway, it's not because I'm worried about them. They can handle themselves."

"Then what?" Why did she want to go home so badly?

Rukia flung herself onto his bed, lapsing into a bout of temporary misery. Even through the muffling of his blanket, Ichigo could hear her whining.

"It's the end-of-year Chappy sale! The first 100 customers get an exclusive Chappy plushie--" And Ichigo didn't really listen after that. He just rolled his eyes with such vigor that they were in danger of falling back inside his head. Those little things were very obviously evil. They were probably part of Aizen's plot or something-look at how they could brainwash people into thinking they were _cute. _He grimaced and suppressed a shudder.

"That's not a very good reason. In fact it's the worst possible reason to go back to Soul Society."

Rukia glared at him from the bed. " Chappy is the _best _reason to go back."

Ichigo ignored this. He was thinking. It was the term break… and his family didn't really care where he went. (They always swallowed up his ridiculous excuses he gave when he was off hollow-hunting. Don't you wish your family was like that?) Besides, who on earth would ever pass up such a brilliant chance to watch **Byakuya** and **Renji** try to do something so **stupid** and **utterly brainless **it should be on _**Shinigamis' funniest home videos**_? Ichigo smirked. **This, **as far as he was concerned, was the only logical reason to go back to Soul Society.

" Well? How could I manage to go back secretly? What should I do? If I get caught, they'll probably dump me here again…and there's Rikichi on the watch too, since he doesn't want Renji to lose…"

Ichigo relaxed, leaning back on the foot of the bed but not touching her. He half-turned his head and smirked at nothing in particular. Or, rather, everything in particular.

"Relax, midget. We'll see."

Rukia should have been relieved, but she wasn't. She sat up, frowning down at Ichigo, who chose to take no notice of her whatsoever. She focused on the one key word of the sentence.

"_We_?"

* * *

Renji stopped, listening to Byakuya reading the note from a fortune cookie he had in his hand. 

"'You and one other are in mortal danger from numerous enemies. There is going to be much pain in your lives, though mostly self-inflicted.'"

Renji swallowed.

* * *

Tetsuke-chan: Hellohello! (: Hope you enjoyed. Much more coming up :D Oh, yeah, anyone who might have been on deviantArt might find this familiar. Originally intended for doujin till my twin abandoned me. D: 

Tetsuke-chan: Twiiiiiiiin-chan!

Twin-chan: -shunpo's off and abandons me-

'Till next time (:


	2. Chapter 2

The second day of torture. Good lord, when will this madness end:D

Oh yes, sorry it's Reishiko-Taichou not Mika-Taichou! And she calls Hisagi, Shuuhei. And Hisagi refers to her as Mika, her first name. Got it wrong in the first chapter. Sorry twin-chan!

This chapter is dedicated to Jiaying, twin-chan, Bobble and all you kind reviewers (;

REVIEW PLEASE YOU'LL HAVE MAI LOVE :D

* * *

**Act Two: Too set in refined ways**

Abarai Renji knew what hell looked like. Oh yes he did indeed. Hell was white. Hell was tall. Hell was plentiful. Hell was him being forced to do a pile of paperwork so huge it was swaying precariously from side to side like it was gonna fall off his desk. Good lord that pile of paperwork made Jack's beanstalk seem like a beansprout.

Renji sighed again.

_Relax, Renji_. He reminded himself_. You only have to suffer for six more days. That__'__s all_. _Then you can drink and slack and everything you want to do._

Well, it wasn't that bad, he mused. At least he had Byakuya to dump some paperwork on, so he didn't have to do **all** of it himself. He cheered up slightly.

Such sort-lived joy was indeed pitiful by all accounts.

**BOOM**

_**Step step prance**_

**BAM**

"OH RENJIIIIIIIII!"

Renji stared up in some sort of joy at his saviours, appearing in the form of Hisagi, Kira and Reishiko, in addition to Matsumoto of course. Then he frowned. Why the hell were they going over to Byakuya's table?

Reality hit him like a ton of bricks as he watched in terror, realizing that he was still Byakuya, and Byakuya, who looked like him, was about to be taken away to drink.

There went his last hope of not doing all the paperwork by himself.

"Renji! Guess what?" Matsumoto asked Byakuya, ignoring the futile attempts of the real Renji to control himself as he struggled with the fact that he now had what seemed to be a collection of a lifetime's worth of paperwork to contend with. "I escaped my Taichou again! Now, let's go drinking!"

"Yeah, c'mon, Renji." Hisagi seemed to be smirking. Kira nodded enthusiastically, albeit in a kind of nervous way as expected of someone whose bravery made the Cowardly Lion look like Wolverine. Reishiko just stood with her hands in her pockets, smiling.

Now Renji was sure that god had just sent this motley collection to come mock his entire miserable existance. Byakuya made no attempt to change the fact that he was being steered out of the division-in fact; if possible, he even seemed to be slightly amused. Evidently, Byakuya wanted Renji to know how _he_ felt like on a daily basis.

Well, now Renji knew how it felt like. It felt like your last hope from dying a miserable death was being steered out the door by a bunch of people you had previously been steered out the same door by.

"We're borrowing your fukutaichou for a while, Kuchiki-Taichou." Reishiko paused at the door, smiling at Renji as though she knew something he didn't. "Try not to miss him too much."

Then, smiling a huge grin, Matsumoto leaned over and closed the door.

**SLAM**

The precarious pile of paperwork gave a last wobble before it toppled over and crashed to the floor, along with Renji's last hopes.

* * *

Far away, somewhere outside the Fourth Division, Yamada Hanatarou was being bullied. Of course, being in the Fourth Squad and considered a coward, you'd expect bullying anytime. But that didn't mean you would like it. Because who would like to be bullied? Who would want to be cornered, threatened, and have your belongings taken away from you, while the only weapon you're armed with aids only others and not even yourself?

Certainly not Hanatarou.

"No! Stop it, please!"

Hanatarou backed into a wall as his attackers closed in on him.

"What's the matter, you wuss? Scared?" The creepy bully with a cigarette puffed it at Hanatarou, who coughed.

"Yeah, hahaha. The chicken wouldn't even last one day in our Eleventh Division!" The other bully guffawed in a way reminiscent of some seriously stupid person.

Hanatarou's ears perked up. That was it! His last hope! There was only one weapon, and i mean a useful-in-self-defense-and-protecting-yourself-from-getting-beat-up-kind of weapon, left in his arsenal! They were from the Eleventh Division! And so far, the only thing he knew they feared was--

"AHHHHHH!!" The two bullies screamed in unison as Hanatarou threw a cardboard stand-up of Unohana-Taichou at them. Then, while they were quivering in fear at the image of this motherly, kindly woman, he turned his heel and ran.

"Gomen!" He yelled, but he wasn't sure they could hear him-they were too busy screaming.

* * *

Byakuya wondered what on earth he was supposed to do. He recognized the need for Renji to look like some sort of drink-deprived madman of course, so he had patiently sipped many a cup of sake. Matsumoto however drank like someone who had recently escaped from the desert, while Hisagi downed bottles without batting an eye. Kira drank in large amounts as well. However, it was evident that Reishiko did not enjoy drinking; she drank the tea that Hisagi gave her in an indulgent way.

Now Matsumoto was retelling the thrilling tale of how she escaped her Taichou again, if by thrilling you mean her hyperventilating, falling off her seat, flopping like a dying fish and then screaming, "TAICHOU I CAN'T BREATHE! MY BOOBS ARE REACHING CRITICAL BOOB-MASS OVERLOAD! I'M TOTALLY GOING TO RUN TO THE FOURTH DIVISION FOR SOME SAKE, I MEAN FOR MEDICAL HELP!" and then shun'poing off before the pitiful abovementioned Taichou could even stop the woman who had previously been flailing and twitching on the floor like a dying fish, from running off at a speed that defied the laws of physics.

The rest laughed. Well, Matsumoto fell over the floor laughing, Hisagi doubled over and Kira laughed while Reishiko chuckled, so Byakuya supposed it was safe to say in general, they all laughed.

"You should have seen his face!" Matsumoto giggled.

"What did it look like, Matsumoto-san?" Kira asked.

"Like it usually does!"

And they all collapsed in a fit of laughter again. Byakuya tried to smile like he thought it was funny. Actually he was rather glad he was being ignored in general, otherwise unnecessary attention might have been paid to his doubtful acting skills.

And as if his thoughts were being broadcast aloud, suddenly all eyes swivelled to him.

"Renjiiiii. Come, drink up! You've been so quiet today!" Ignoring his protests Matsumoto filled up his cup to the brim, smiling a grin so huge it would have a made a Cheshire cat proud.

"Yes, surely it's not healthy for Renji-kunto abstain from drink?" Kira commented.

Byakuya started and drank. _I can't let them see through this! _Knowing that for Renji, such a small cup would be gone in a matter of seconds, Byakuya finished it as quickly as he could. Was it just him or were their eyes twinkling? And did they seem to exchange conspirational glances? And were they smirking?

"Here, don't you want more?" Hisagi poured more sake for him, smiling gleefully while Byakuya struggled to repeat the feat. And when he was finally done, his torture began all over again.

"Yes, yes, Renji, you should really drink up, you know how much you love this stuff." Reishiko poured another cup for him and then resumed to smiling at him from behind her cup of tea.

Byakuya coughed, trying not puke after drinking what felt like the sake equivalent of a swimming pool. He kept his composure, which was a feat considering that all he felt like doing was doubling over and purging his tongue of all those evil liquids that would surely cause his liver to fester. He bet that Renji, Matsumoto, Kira and Hisagi's livers were the most shrivelled-up, rotted, festered, decayed, mouldifyed and abused livers in all medical history of the whole of Soul Society The very fact that their livers had not failed yet was to be considered some sort of medical feat. And if tea had the same effect as sake, then Reishiko was very much indeed in dire need of some medical aid as well.

_The worst is over_, he told himself, _everyone has already force-fed you once, with the exception of Kira-fukutaichou, but I doubt he would try anyway._

He couldn't have been more wrong.

"Drinking contest!" Matsumoto yelled gleefully, while Byakuya choked on his current cup of sake.

* * *

While Kuchiki Byakuya was suffering, there was a man who would have given anything to be in his place right then. Namely, Abarai Renji.

Renji gave up on his current piece of work and buried his head amongst the papers strewn around his desk, willing himself to just die and end his misery.

"Why can't anyone pop up mysteriously to help me?"

Just then Rikichi popped up mysteriously to help him from the broom closet. "Helloooo Renji-san"

Renji fell off his seat and backed into the wall, feeling very much like a trapped deer in the headlights all of a sudden. Translated: he felt trapped. Wouldn't you?

"How long have you been watching me?!"

"Ever since I gave you the red dye yesterday." Rikichi said in a way as if he did not know he was freaking people out by being a creepy stalker dude.

"OMG! You mean you've been here twenty-four hours ever since!?"

"Nonsense! I camped here of course!" He looked at a terror-stricken Renji in total seriousness. "Did you know, the broom closet has spiders."

Renji walked over to the broom closet to inspect it. "How on earth is it possible that you slept in a tinny broom-"

His own face stared at him from every corner of the broom closet. Every inch of the broom closet was plastered with his face. There were photos of him he didn't even know existed. One of him walking! One of him drinking! One of him eating! And one of him doing something unmentionable! In fact it looked like some sort of Renji memorial/worship hall!

Renji backed away slowly. It was crazy. It was wrong. It was creepy. This was beyond the boundaries of weird.

"How did you get these photos?!"

"I got it from a mysterious man with a striped green hat. With a fan," Rikichi answered, unaware of the sudden onslaught of burning fury from Renji.

"URAHARA." Renji spat out the name venomously, cursing him to die a million deaths and to rot in hell and to burn and to die and to suffer a whole lot.

* * *

Somewhere in Karakura Town, in the Urahara Shoten, the abovementioned mysterious man with a striped green hat and a fan felt a pain in his heart.

"……Ow."

* * *

"That loathsome, vile, detestable, fulsome, abominable-" Renji hurled insults at Urahara under his breath, while Rikichi, who didn't understand anything, continued talking as if he could not hear his idol swearing venomously and to such an admirable degree that every mother in Sereitei would want him to soap his mouth thoroughly.

"Anyway, Renji-san, I knew you'd have some trouble acting as someone that isn't like you at all. So I've decided to come tutor you on how to be like Kuchiki-Taichou, and how not to be you! _**Because who other than I, your number one fan, would know you?" **_Rikichi asked in a creepy dedicated way as if the purpose of his entire existence was to worship the ground Renji walked on.

"Uh…Okay." Renji said, still freaked out. "So when does this 'tuition' start?"

Rikichi smiled wide.

"The how-to-be Kuchiki-Taichou Crash Course 101 starts now!"

* * *

"Nooooooo! Unahana-Taichou! WE'RE SORRY, SO SORRYYYY"

Hanatarou stopped and panted for a while. Good old Unohana-Taichou. She scared those guys so bad, even after running for so long, Hanatarou could still hear them!

…..wait. Why would he be able to hear them after running for so long? It was impossible, unless…Hanatarou looked around. Why did this look so familiar? Almost exactly like the one he'd…crossed...a...while…ago….

Then it hit him. Hanatarou realised he'd been running in circles, and that he was now only a few metres from the guys who would very gladly kill him when they realised that the woman they were quivering in front of and begging for mercy from, was made of cardboard.

Hanatarou swallowed.

Somewhere else, someone else was also suffering. Byakuya sat with his head in his hands, his face a mask of calm. Though of course his thoughts were a mess. His thoughts, were however focused on one known fact in particular.

Matsumoto was crazy.

He drank. And drank. And drank. AnddrankanddrankanddrankadndrankandrdrankAnddrankanddrankanddrankadndrankandrdrankAnddrankanddrankanddrankadndrankandrdrankAnddrankanddrankanddrankadndrank.

He'd drunk and drunk and drunk and drunk so much he didn't even know what plain water tasted like anymore.

…And he'd still lost the drinking contest.

Reishiko, Hisagi, Kira and Matsumoto watched him as he struggled to his feet, his face a determined mask of calm.

"I'm going to go back to my division," He struggled to say. Then he strode slowly out the door.

The abovementioned foursome huddled close.

"Do you think he'd ever know that we gave him even more booze then Renji normally drinks?" Reishiko asked, sipping her healthy cup of tea, admiring the fact that she was the only one around whose liver had not suffered irreversible damage.

"Naw, how could he." Matsumoto laughed. "He was so wasted he didn't even notice me take these pictures of him!"

"But he looks like Renji-kun anyway, asides from the fact that he's drunk." Kira said.

"Ah, Kira, but the key words are _Renji _and _drunk_." Hisagi said, and the whole group collapsed laughing, tea and sake and all.

* * *

**TEST: ****HOW TO BE KUCHIKI-TAICHOU **

**NAME: ****ABARAI RENJI**

**SENSEI: ****RIKICHI**

**SECTION A**

**GRADE:**

Renji frowned. "Where did that blackboard come from…?"

Rikichi smiled, having not heard one word of this. He set the chalk down.

"Renji-san, the purpose of the first test is for you to have patience."

"Patience," Renji repeated as if it was a word of some foreign language.

"Yes, Renji-san, paaaattiiiiieeeeennceeee." Rikichi spoke as one would to a very young, mislead toddler who did not understand why you could not eat soft toys. "Patience."

"SO START ALREADY!" Renji roared, irritated.

Rikichi shook his head. He had a long way to go.

* * *

Somewhere in the Tenth Division, Hinamori once again perched herself on the chair, beside a fuming Hitsugaya.

"And what may the intentions of your visit be, Hinamori?" He asked in an extremely pissed-off way.

Hinamori pouted. "Oh, come on, Shirou-chan, don't be so grumpy, I was only wondering how you were coping with the fact that Matsumoto-san is gone." She paused, as usual turning her Hitsugaya-correcting-her-way-of-addressing-him filter on. " You know, I saw her just now, and she looked happy."

"Happy?" Hitsugaya snapped. "Of course she's happy! She just made some insane excuse and took of running to have some sake, leaving me to finish her half of the paperwork in addition to my own, AS USUAL. Now why on earth wouldn't she be happy?!"

Hinamori shrunk away as Hitsugaya fumed. Then he sighed and stopped fuming, because obviously there was no point in taking it out on innocent bystanders. Least of all those who were childhood friends and came with nothing but good intentions.

Hinamori perked up.

"I know just what you need!"

"Asides from a more reliable fukutaichou, I don't think I really need anything, Hinamori."

"No, I'll go get you some tea!"

In a flash she was gone, leaving Hitsugaya to brood to nobody in particular and wondering why the numerous women imposed on his life were always running off on him for various reasons.

* * *

"Well, Renji-san. I thought of a cool way to let you demonstrate patience but not be bored!" Rikichi cheered. Renji perked up. It wasn't boring? Great! Maybe it wasn't going to be so bad after all!

"Really? What?"

"Here!" Rikichi thrust a box at him. "Have fun!"

Renji narrowed his eyes and he almost spat the words out.

"'A model of the Eiffel Tower?! 10000000 pieces?!'" Renji shot Rikichi a terror-stricken look. Rikichi however was in a state of joy at having helped his idol and thus was oblivious of the look. "Where did you get this?! Oh, no wait." Renji narrowed his eyes.

"URAHARA."

* * *

Somewhere in Karakura Town, in the Urahara Shoten, the abovementioned man with a striped green hat and a fan felt a pain in his heart _yet again_.

"……Ow!"

Yoruichi glanced over in as Urahara grabbed his heart for the second time today.

"Old man, you must have many, many enemies."

* * *

Meanwhile outside the Fourth Division, the two punks finally stopped screaming long enough to wonder why the woman that embodied their nightmares had not moved an inch.

"Hey…this looks like…"

They tapped her. Nothing happened. They looked at each other. The stupider punk examined the strange, inhuman texture of the figure, seemingly realising there was something wrong. Badly wrong. Infact, it almost seemed like-

"OMG UNOHANA-TAICHOU HAS WEIRD SKIN!"

…He was instantly silenced by his less-stupid-but-still-stupid friend, who took over examining it.

"Hey…Is this what I think it is…?"

Experimentally the punk with a cigarette held it near the figure, and sure enough the cardboard started burning.

It took a while, of course. You see, those in the Eleventh Division were skilled in brute force, and obviously sensible thought was not one of their key strengths. There wasn't really any need for it in the division, was there? All you did was hit something till it broke. But even so, they were not stupid to the extent that they did not realise they had been made fools of. Okay, actually they were, but eventually they got the message. Because it was not everyday that the Fourth-Division's Taichou did not respond creepily to two punks who had been bullying her subordinate, nor was it everyday that she caught fire.

Hanatarou cautiously tried to inch past them to go back to his Division. He figured it was safe. They were occupied, weren't they? Anyway. The Division was so close, surely he could get some help somehow.

He was wrong on both counts.

"WHY YOU LITTLE FOURTH-DIVISION PUNK!!"

As the two guys advanced toward him menacingly, eager to exact their revenge for having been fooled into begging for mercy from a flimsy piece of cardboard for the past two hours, Hanatarou closed his eyes and said his goodbyes.

* * *

Hinamori bounced into the Tenth Division enthusiastically, currently armed with a pot of steaming hot tea. She had indeed made the tea, but for some reason she took quite some time to find the tea leaves, hopefully Hitsugaya wasn't irritated for waiting so long.

"Oh, Shirouuu-chan"

She came to a complete stop before the table, because the person in question was currently asleep at his desk, tired out, this probably being a side effect of doing the numerous amounts of paperwork left behind by an irresponsible fukutaichou.

Hinamori set the tea down, smiling gently at Hitsugaya. Sure, he'd probably wake up if she yelled something mad like "SHIROU-CHAN, MATSUMOTO-SAN IS BACK, NOT DRUNK AND WHAT'S MORE SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO DO HER PAPERWORK!" but the joy would be short-lived and he probably deserved a break. Also, that was not nice and everyone knew Hinamori was supposed to be the embodiment of the word. So she settled for a nicer option.

She pulled her chair over beside him and decided to give him a pleasant surprise.

* * *

Renji fumed at the Eiffel Tower. Why was it so long? And why were the pieces so darned small?!

Thank goodness. After a while he managed to make the most of it. Actually, it wasn't that bad! It just took a lot of thinking and, that cursed word, patience. Yes, it needed a lot of that. Renji smirked. He'd pass this test no problem! He was starting to get the hang of it. If one piece didn't fit, you tried one, and the other, and the other, and theotherandtheotherandtheothertheotherandtheotherandtheothertheotherandtheotherandtheother. Eventually you'd get the right one.

He fitted in a piece that seemed right. Gently now…Slowly, it's almost done…no sudden movements now…

Just one more, and it would be done.

All he needed was a little while longer, a little bit more of peace and quiet, and this masterpiece would be complete.

But just for a moment, I interrupt your reading for some explanation of what happens beyond this point. As I'm sure you dear readers know, this is a funny fanfiction. Really. See the genre up there? See the 'humour'? Yes. So that means things in this fanfiction don't normally go according to plan. Otherwise it wouldn't be funny now would it? Then you'd be reduced to reading a boring, run-of-the-mill kind of story. Now wouldn't that be terrible?

Thankfully for us, something unexpected and totally surprising was about to happen to brighten up this boring moment! Thankfully for us.

…Sadly, the same cannot be said for Renji.

Because just then Rikichi popped up from behind his shoulder, having just been hit by a sudden random desire to yell a greeting at Renji for no apparent reason at all.

"HEY RENJI-SAN!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Oh no. Rikichi closed his eyes. If he had destroyed the model, Renji would kill him--

…

…

Where was the pain? Rikichi opened his eyes.

Renji shot him a terror-striken look, having just narrowly avoided killing his masterpiece by protecting it. Rikichi and Renji heaved collective sighs of relief, laughing in the light of the lift of suspense. Thank goodness! Everything was fine!

"Well-done, Renji-san! You didn't kill it!" Rikichi slapped him on the back.

And Renji crashed right forward on the masterpiece he had so painstakingly toiled away on for the past hour, and prevented from getting squished, and had just squished himself.

"NOOOOOOO!!"

**TEST: ****HOW TO BE KUCHIKI-TAICHOU **

**NAME: ****ABARAI RENJI**

**SENSEI: ****RIKICHI**

**SECTION A**

**GRADE: **Fail.

* * *

Hanatarou seemed to be waiting for blows that never came. Instead he heard punches, and something being slammed hard against the ground, but he didn't feel it. Must be the shock, he reasoned. Being in the Fourth Division taught him that sometimes you didn't feel the pain until awhile later.

…he knew that from experience, too. Something else that came as part and parcel of being in the Fourth Division.

"Damn!" A male voice said. Hmm. It sounded vaguely familiar. " And stay away, you asses!"

Sounds of shuffling.

"That's the last of them." A female voice, this time.

Huh? Did he hear that right? It sounded an awful lot like--

Hanatarou opened his eyes.

"Are you okay, Yamada-san?" The female voice asked gently.

Hanatarou found himself looking up at two tall figures- no actually one tall one and one short one. Reeeeallly short. But the glare of the midday sun cast shadows across their faces, and their whole body in general. So he wasn't sure if it was who he thought it was--then his eyes caught sight of the one thing above all else that confirmed his suspicions. A glimpse of orange.

"Yo, Hanatarou."

* * *

Somewhere in his quarters, Byakuya decided not to keep up the act anymore. Who on earth was there to see it? Thank goodness he had finally stumbled to safety.

So he just let his head hit the table, giving in to the blessed darkness that consumed him. His last conscious thought was, Renji has a stomach of steel, and the head of some super-strong alloy.

* * *

**TEST: ****HOW TO BE KUCHIKI-TAICHOU **

**NAME: ****ABARAI RENJI**

**SENSEI: ****RIKICHI**

**SECTION B**

**GRADE: **

Renji glared at the blackboard. Seriously, it was starting to annoy him.

Rikichi smiled consolingly at Renji. "Aw, don't worry, Renji-san, I'm sure you'll get it right this time."

Renji was almost afraid. "Ya know, it might be kinder not to tell me."

…And so Rikichi ploughed on bravely, regardless. "The aim now is much simpler. Master calligraphy!"

"Calligraphy?" Renji repeated. " You mean those incomprehensible ink-scribbles Taichou always writes with, and expects me to understand?"

"Uh, well, yes. You're supposed to practice those ink-scribbles, as you call it." Rikichi nodded, and thrust out several sheets of calligraphy practice papers at him. "Have fun!"

"Calligraphy practice papers?! Oh no, wait. Don't tell me how you got them." Renji spat venomously.

"URAHARA."

* * *

Somewhere in Karakura Town, in the Urahara Shoten, the abovementioned man with a striped green hat and a fan felt a pain in his heart _**yet again**_.

"……Ow!"

Yoruichi glanced over in as Urahara grabbed his heart for the third time today.

" Kisuke, you must an undue variety of numerous enemies."

Urahara looked at Yoruichi sadly, his facial emotions dripping melodrama.

"I think I'm dying of a heart attack."

* * *

Somewhere in the Fourth Division, Unohana just noticed a rather strange sight. Well actually in the Gotei 13 you see many strange sights, and so she had. But this one of her small-sized subordinate struggling to drag two bags of rubbish larger than he was and consoling whatever mysterious creatures that inhabited the trash bags that they were going to be freed soon, surely ranked high in her Top Ten Weird Things I Have Seen Today list. It almost beat Renji-san coming in for some hangover medicines just now. Well, she supposed there was a first time for everything.

"What're you doing over there, Hanatarou-san?"

Hanatarou smiled at his kind Taichou nervously. "Nothing, Unohana-Taichooooouuu, I'm taking out the trash. In these two huge bags of course. Because, uh, what else could I be doing, hiding people who aren't supposed to be here? No, no, obviously it's trash, yes, because that's where trash belongs, in the trash bag…"

Unohana smiled pityingly at Hanatarou, who had for no apparent reason started uttering nonsense. _Too much work or too many secrets, the poor dear_, she thought.

"Very well, Hanatarou-san, but you do realise the dustbin is that way?" She pointed in direction Hanatarou had just come from.

"Oh, no, it's alright, Taichou, I'm supposed to drag Kuchiki-san and Kurosaki-san to the Thirteenth Division secretly in these huge trash bags so I have to make up this excuse, so in reality I'm not in need of a dustbin at all, hmm, uh" Unohana's eyes widened. Was it just her or did her subordinate's nonsense-spewing just get interrupted by him being kicked by a trash bag?! "I'm, I meant, oh, yes, I want to use the Thirteenth Division's dustbin today! Oh, yeah, because, their dustbin is big. Uhm, not that we don't have a big dustbin, because, uh, our dustbin is pretty big too, but, uh, eh…"

"…Oh, I see. Yes, their dustbin is big! And yes our Division's dustbin is pretty big too. Well, you must be on your way now, mustn't you? Do hurry, Hanatarou-san." Unohana agreed enthusiastically, playing along with the madness to save her poor subordinate further heartpain. Goodness knows what kinds of dark secrets he was tangled up with.

"Thank you Taichou!" Hanatarou's gratitude was very obviously genuine. Unohana smiled at him as he turned. The smile, though he did not notice, was one of pity.

And thus he continued on his path, dragging the two large, misshapen trash bags merrily along the way.

* * *

Renji smiled. Or, sort of.

"Oi Rikichi! I'm done!"

Rikichi crawled out of the broom closet he had been reduced to quietly and obediently sitting in ever since Renji bravely began his conquest of mastering calligraphy, because he was afraid he would give in to his random desires to say hello to his idol.

Rikichi stared at the absolutely perfect script that was presented to him. He grabbed it and admired it from left to right and right to left and upside down and downside up. It was just so perfect! Rikichi wished he could frame it up. Renji-san's perfect calligraphy! This would have a nice spot in his Renji memorial hall, yes it would indeed.

"Oh my god, Renji-san! You did this?!"

He watched, confused as Renji slumped to the desk in despair.

"No! I didn't! Actually, this is one of Taichou's random scribbles that I got from under the table!"

Rikichi slowly understood. Oh. So this is why he finished so quickly, and that's why it was so perfect, and, and, and, oh. OH.

Renji awaited Rikichi to voice his disappointment, but it never came.

He looked at Rikichi. "Well?! Aren't you going to yell or something?"

Rikichi looked horrified. "Yell at you, Renji-san? Never!" _Oh yeah,_ Renji remembered. _He's my fan. I forgot_. _He probably wouldn't even yell at me if I slapped him or something. He would probably smile and thank me and not wash his face or something crazy like that. _Renji shivered. Rikichi continued speaking, unaware of his idol's thoughts at the present.

"I was about to congratulate you on your quick thinking, Renji-san!" He smiled. "However, I'm very sorry to say cheating isn't really good for your grades. I'm sorry, Renji-san…"

And he continued writing on the blackboard,

**TEST: ****HOW TO BE KUCHIKI-TAICHOU **

**NAME: ****ABARAI RENJI**

**SENSEI: ****RIKICHI**

**SECTION B**

**GRADE: **fail.

Renji howled in fury, concentrating his bloodshot eyes on the object in question, lunging at the blackboard like a wild animal gone mad, and succeeding in ferociously ripping the thing off its damned hinges with a speed and force and maddened determination previously unknown to mankind. He simmered in hatred, breaking it into ever-smaller pieces. He seemed to foam at the mouth, both metaphorically and literally.

Rikichi shivered.

* * *

Hitsugaya woke up, alarmed. Oh no. He hadn't intended to fall asleep! He groaned, painfully aware that now he would have far more work to finish, and in a smaller amount of time. Really, it would be better for the world if he just closed his eyes and refused to wake up.

"Shirou-chan?"

His eyes shot open instantaneously. Maybe it was better for the world if he woke up after all.

Hinamori looked at him concernedly as he sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"Hinamori?"

She smiled at him and he realised why he was actually capable of seeing over his table. She had done all his paperwork.

"Hinamori, you didn't," He said, amazed. Really. He should have her replace Matsumoto. And the fact that she didn't drink, in addition to the fact that she was his childhood friend for as long as he could remember, now those were _bonuses._

Hinamori smiled again as she poured him a cup of tea. He blinked again, wondering if this was some sort of cruel joke being played on him by some crazy author who by her words was controlling his fate.

As he was about to learn, so are you, dear reader, that the author of this story had a limit to her cruelty.

Hinamori placed the cup of tea in his hands and got one for herself.

"Ah, Shirou-chan, that was a surprise for you, to make you feel better."

He blinked at her smiling face. Really, Hinamori. He was very, very grateful, but he wasn't used to showing much emotions. What was he to say? Smiling just a little, he decided on a one-liner, sipping his tea indulgently.

"Hinamori, you can do my paperwork for an eternity, and it's still going to be Hitsugaya-Taichou to you."

* * *

Rikichi patted Renji on the back kindly, while the latter was in an obvious state of sadness. Which is an understatement. Renji was heartbroken, distraught, beyond consolation, upset beyond description-- okay you get the idea.

"Don't be sad, Renji-san," Rikichi comforted. "There's still one last test, I'm sure you'll do very well."

Renji looked up. _The_ _gods of Soul Society help me_, he thought. When will this madness and self-deprivation end?!

**TEST: ****HOW TO BE KUCHIKI-TAICHOU **

**NAME: ****ABARAI RENJI**

**SENSEI: ****RIKICHI**

**SECTION C**

**GRADE: **

Renji cast a hateful look at the clipboard Rikichi was writing on, seeing as how Renji had destroyed the blackboard previously in an episode of uncontrollable madness.

Then Rikichi said the dreaded words Renji so feared to hear.

"The third test is… for you to learn to like tea."

Renji frowned. This wasn't what he thought he'd hear. He thought it would be something mad. Like learn how to turn your two eyebrows to a mono, or learn how to suck the emotions out of your soul. Byakuya seemed to do that a lot. But learning to like tea? This was too simple! Renji surged with newfound confidence. He could handle this no problem!

"Bring it on!"

And so began Renji's brave conquest to the land of leaf juice.

* * *

Hanatarou finally reached the Thirteenth Division. Thank goodness! Now he would no longer have to exert his non-existent muscles to pull the two huge bags.. He sat down, wiping his brow, opening the abovementioned bags.

"Kuchiki-san, Kurosaki-san, we're here!"

Ichigo popped out of the bag gratefully. He collapsed in an ungraceful heap upon the floor.

"Thank god-I was melting in there--"

Rukia shot a disapproving look at him, emerging from her own bag gracefully, as opposed to the ungraceful heap she was sitting beside. "Thank you so much, Yamada-san."

Hanatarou smiled. "Oh, it's alright. That was the least I could do to repay Kurosaki-san's kindness for saving me just now."

Ichigo glanced up. "Huh? That was nothing, i didn't even break out in sweat."

"Oh, no, still it was very kind, …"

Unbeknownst to them, the were being watched by the two who considered themselves the crusaders of the Thirteenth Division. Those that wore the mantle of responsibility with dignity. Those brave souls who took it upon them to protect their Division. Those who considered it their duty to-

"Move aside you monkey!"

Ah, yes. Kiyone and Sentarou. Scratch every noble word I had used to describe them. They obviously do not apply. For these two were about to run off to Ukitake and report that Kuchiki was back after her one day of unexplained absence. Now, you might wonder why this poses a threat to our story's merrymaking. Allow me to enlighten you, dear reader. That is because if Ukitake-Taichou were to make enquiries and Byakuya or Renji got a wind of it, our beloved characters would be shipped, I mean kindly escorted back to Karakura, courtesy of the abovementioned pretentious duo, where they would no longer be able o play a part in this story and provide entertainment to us that would otherwise be beneficial and also most enjoyable.

Now _that_ would simply not do.

Thankfully for us, something unexpected and totally surprising was about to happen to brighten up this tense moment! Thankfully for us.

…Sadly, the same cannot be said for Kiyone and Sentarou.

Ichigo frowned. "Well, Hanatarou, those bags are really filled with rubbish."

Hanatarou smiled sheepishly. "Ah, I thought it would look authentic that way."

Ichigo rummaged through the bag of rubbish curiously, wondering what on earth he had just shared a bag with. He succeeded in pulling out a weight. A twenty-kilo weight, to be exact. He looked at it incredulously. "Where'd hell this cone from?!"

Rukia frowned. "Might be from the Eleventh Division."

Ichigo shrugged and tossed the weight effortlessly behind him in a direction that just so happened was the exact location of Sentarou and Kiyone's hiding spot.

And thus their bickering was interrupted by a weight hitting Sentarou around the head. Now, you see, when under the right situation, for example under supervision, and in a suitable place, for example a gym, lifting a weight has beneficial effect. For example, weight loss. However, in the wrong situation and place, all that was achieved was that Sentarou suffered instant concussion. He dropped like a sack of potatoes. With tomates and lettuce and onions, too. Oh, yes, and don't forget the turnips.

"Haha! You stinking monkey-" Kiyone laughed hysterically. She was so absorbed she didn't hear Ichigo's next words.

"Hey look, here's a fifty-kilo one…"

So I suppose it was safe to assume she didn't see it, either. Until it was too late of course.

* * *

"Here's some more, Renji-san."

Renji now realised the fearsome power of leaf juice.

It was bitter. It was sometimes browner than green or vice versa. It had to be poured from a pot extremely carefully lest you scald your fingers off. It was not to be wasted by simply pouring tea everywhere and missing the tinny cup. It was to be aimed at the tinny cup and the tinny cup alone. And as mentioned before, the cup was really, really tinny.

Above all else, it was not alcoholic.

Renji scrunched up his face. Man, Urahara had a lot of tea. So far, Rikichi was extremely persistent in making him test out every one and seeing which one suited his taste, so as to get Renji accustomed to it. Personally he thought they were a little queer. He had drunk tea before, and none of them had tasted quite so…stale. Then he remembered something.

The tea was from Urahara, wasn't it? And he was definitely not the most honest man on the planet, is that not right? He had been known to sell borderline-quality, if not below average-quality goods…correct…?

Renji lunged at the pot of tea madly, upsetting it. Rikichi gasped in horror and rushed to retrieve it. That's it. Renji had lost it.

"Renji-san! What are you doing?! I know you hate tea, but-!"

Renji wrestled the pot away from him, seeming insanely intent on examining the tea leaves within. He finally grabbed a handful of it. Taking a closer look, he paled.

"Rikichi, give me the box!"

Rikichi obliged, confused. He watched as horror dawned on Renji's face.

"What's wrong, Renji-san?"

"This!"

Rikichi grabbed the box as Renji threw it at him. Huh? What was wrong? Then, Rikichi realised that the label was loose. And so he peeled it off to reveal some words underneath, as Renji took off running, clutching his stomach and looking sick. Rikichi swallowed.

"…Laxative…?"

* * *

Somewhere in Karakura Town, in the Urahara Shoten, the abovementioned man with a striped green hat and a fan felt the most intense pain in his heart so far today.

"……Ow!"

Yoruichi glanced over in as Urahara grabbed his heart for the-what was it? She'd given up counting- time today. She shook her head dryly, amused, as Urahara fell over, flailing helplessly in intense spasms of pain.

"Kisuke, Kisuke." She shook her head. " Shall I ring the Kurosaki Clinic now?"

* * *

Rikichi turned to the clipboard sadly.

**TEST: ****HOW TO BE KUCHIKI-TAICHOU **

**NAME: ****ABARAI RENJI**

**SENSEI: ****RIKICHI**

**SECTION C**

**GRADE: **fail.

Poor, poor Renji-san.

* * *

Ukitake Juushirou was a kind man. He was gentle, known to be extremely generous, and possessed many other good qualities. His subordinates looked up to him with the outmost respect and reverence, favouring their benevolent Taichou above all else. However, even a man of such cannot help but be amused when he hears that his two irritating subordinates, which in trying to help him have succeeded in nothing but shortening his lifespan, have been disposed of. And no one was sure how. Only the two weights beside them yielded some clue, but, seriously, who was so bothered?

He turned to smile at Rukia and Ichigo, who were standing outside his office.

"Very well, Kuchiki, Kurosaki. Lodge here a week, you say? And keep it from Kuchiki-Taichou?"

"Yes, Ukitake-Taichou," Rukia bowed respectfully. "We apologise most severely for disrupting your rest, but if you would allow us, this would be most-"

"She means sorry but couldja let us stay here for a while?" Ichigo cut in. "Pease, Ukitake…san?" He attempts valiantly to look polite.

Ukitake Juushirou, as I have mentioned before, was a kind man. And did kind men ever get known for being kind by refusing people? No. And so he would stay true to his reputation. Also because if he did not do so and turned them away, our beloved characters would be found out sooner or later, and be shipped, I mean kindly escorted back to Karakura, courtesy of the pretentious duo, where they would no longer be able o play a part in this story and provide entertainment to us that would otherwise be beneficial and also most enjoyable. Him agreeing is also because I might have to get him knocked out with a mysterious flying weight otherwise, and I do feel bad about hitting the sick. And so, for all the abovementioned reasons, Ukitake agreed.

"Yes, of course." He smiled kindly at them. "You're lucky, Kuchiki, we don't have much work this whole week, it appears that the Sixth Division, for some mysterious reason beyond my comprehension, is doing most of it. So, yes, you two may take your time continuing your…matters, until Kuchiki-Taichou allows Kuchiki to go home when the renovations at the manor are done, and when Kurosaki's family has rebuilt their home after the…what was it? A flood and then a fire, and a hurricane?" The abovementioned pair cast glances at each other, nodding enthusiastically, wondering how on earth he swallowed their impossible lies so simply. Really, he didn't know about the whole thing.

"Thank you very much, Taichou!" Rukia bowed low. Ukitake smiled kindly once more.

With that he turned gracefully and returned to his room with sweeping elegance. Well, it would be if he didn't succumb to a coughing fit right then and there. Both Ichigo and Rukia looked at each other, wondering what to do. But they couldn't really do anything because just then, he closed the door. So Ichigo and Rukia were left in odd silence. Hmm. Not really silence.

_**Cough cough cough cough**_

_**Cough shuffle shuffle cough COUGH**_

**THUMP.**

"Uh, did the guy just fall over?"

Ichigo looked questioningly at Rukia. She didn't answer but looked concernedly at the door. Then, deciding he had better things to do than to listen to sick people cough their way back to bed, he turned his heel and left.

Then Rukia realised. She walked behind him. "Where are you going?"

"Lookin' round. Didn't have a chance to do that the last time I was here, did I? I was too busy saving you." He turned the corner and Rukia followed behind.

"Ichigo, you don't know your way around here, you idiot."

He stopped and looked at her, a little annoyed. "So?"

Rukia smiled. "But _I _do."

* * *

Unohana sat down tiredly in the Fourth Squad. Another day over! She smiled. Working had it's benefits. Then she noticed the two guys- were they from the Eleventh Squad?- inching towards her evilly.

"Hello?"

They seemed not to hear her. Rather, they looked terrified, and beaten-up. Also, one was holding a cigarette lighter in his hand. Unohana frowned. Were these men alright? They seemed to be suffering from some form of trauma. Sure enough, one of them moved closer, speaking to the other.

"Look, we're not gonna be fooled this time, are we!"

"No, no more cardboard standups for us!" The other man agreed. "When we find the little Fourth-Squad punk we'll really beat him to a pulp!"

Unohana frowned. So, these men had hurt her subordinates before? But before she could utter a single syllable or voice a single thought the man flicked the lighter on and before she knew it he was holding the flame to her skin.

Now, any other person might have screamed and did something mad. Like hit them, or scream, or did one of the many things not useful in a situation like this at all. But not Unohana-Taichou. Her riatsu protected her from this small bit of harm. Still, she wasn't very happy. Especially when she realised these men had harmed one, if not more of her subordinates before.

"_Yes?" _Hooboy. She was not happy.

The men didn't get it.

"Hey, why isn't it burning?"

"Yeah," the other ageed, prodding Unohana's finger. "This almost seems like she's the...real…one…"

The two men realised that what they had just tried to set fire to, was the real Unohana-Taichou. And she wasn't happy about nearly being burnt. Or the fact that they had threatened to injure one of her subordinates. The two Eleventh-Squaders swallowed. They were about to die very terrible deaths indeed.

* * *

Ichigo looked around.

Rukia had taken him to some sort of marketplace. Apparently she used to live around here, so she knew the place well. It was a kind of old-fashioned marketplace. Stalls of food and drink, or random stuffs lined the streets. Hawkers called out to potential customers. Little children ran, chased by their anxious parents. The floor was a little dirty, but not soiled to an extreme extent. Bright lights hung around the streetlights, and bright lights twinkled merrily in front of stalls, beckoning to buyers. There was the smell of freshly cooked food all around.

Ichigo smiled.

This place had a homely, comfortable feel to it. He couldn't help but like it. (Hell, even I like it.)The only downside was that the rest of the street stared at them in awe. Apparently Shinigami did not stroll along these streets everyday. Rukia seemed to be suffering from an onslaught of nostalgia, so he let her be, but kept a careful eye out so as not to lose sight of her.

She stopped in front of an udon stall. Ichigo leaned over to take a look. The noodle-seller beckoned.

"Two bowls, please!" She fumbled with the money and gave it over, taking the two bowls of food. Ichigo stared at her incredulously. "You're gonna eat all of that?"

She shot him a very dirty look. "Obviously one's for you, idiot."

Ichigo blinked, feeling very stupid. He took the noodles from her and they both ate their food in silence, but not an akward one; they were enjoying the quiet. Ichigo took in the surroundings again, musing to himself about some things he'd probably muse about.

Neither of the two noticed danger.

* * *

Meanwhile, Rikichi was taking a stroll down Sereitei, musing about his poor idol who was now stuck in a toilet regurgitating all of the food that had passed through his lips in his lifetime. Or, at least it seemed like it.

Then he spotted a familiar face. Wasn't that Renji-san's friend? The one who knew the secret? NOOOO! She'd spoil it for Renji-san! His fanboy mode went into overdrive. What should he do? Ah, yes. He'd recapture her before she caused trouble. And maybe that other shinigami beside her, too. Rikichi turned his help-my-idol mode on.

_For Renji-san!_

Rukia suddenly gasped and stood up, setting down her bowl. She frowned. Ichigo followed suit, mildly alarmed.

"What?"

Rukia narrowed her eyes.

"We're being watched."

* * *

Kenpachi frowned, looking over his desk. It seemed that someone was knocking on the door. Really. Weird things were happening more and more-just like yesterday, when Byakuya was acting all weird. Hmm. He got up grumpily and opened the door.

And in tumbled two quivering, more dead-than-alive Eleventh Division people.

* * *

Ichigo frowned. It did seem that Rukia was right. And if she was, they were in danger of being shipped back to Karakura, I mean escorted by Byakuya and Renji, and not be able to watch the fun or entertain you readers. And that would be terrible, as I'm sure we all know by now. He narrowed his eyes.

Then that kid charged.

Ichigo and Rukia turned to run. He was travelling as quickly as his shunpo would allow, while Rukia lagged a little behind him.

He concentrated on running. Rukia tried to keep up. They ran for some time, in fact it seemed like forever. Did that kid ever stop? Ichigo turned back to check, only to see Rikichi plow through the streets effortlessly, fuelled by an insane desire to help his idol. Ichigo shuddered, turning back to continue running. Then an idea hit him.

He stopped and turned, ran to Rukia, grabbed her hand and yanked her to the side of the road, in an alley. And there they hid, as Rikichi ploughed right on, seemingly not noticing his targets had just vanished to some other place.

Rukia sighed in relief. She was about to brush a stray hair off her face when she realised that their hands were still connected. She looked at it blankly. Ichigo noticed it too, and he reacted instinctively, then sank to the alley floor, exhausted.

Rukia stared at her hand for some time, till she finally comprehended why he pulled away.

_Ah._

Shinigami should show no emotion. They were not necessary. They were a hindrance. Rukia knew this well. She had thought the very same thing that fateful night when she had tried, unsuccessfully, I might add, to run away.

But later she learnt something else, too. That locking them away wasn't the answer.

She sort of wished Ichigo would realise it too.

* * *

Back in the Tenth Division, Hitsugaya and Hinamori were doing nothing but sipping tea. The silence was calming ,and Hitugaya felt very, well, calmed. The peace and quiet was just so nice. The peace and quiet was just so enjoyable. The peace and quiet was just so soothing.

The peace and quiet was broken in the instant the Division doors flew open and Matsumoto sailed in.

"TAICHOU!! LOOK AT THESE"

Hitsugaya frowned, having been interrupted in his preparations of unleashing righteous fury upon her.

"No, I'm not interested in your boobs, Matsumoto. Lord knows I've seen enough of them every single day. Now, about the paperwork-"

"No, not these!" Matsumoto interrupted. "These!" She waved the pictures she was holding wildly. "Although these aren't bad to look at either," she added s a afterthought, glancing at her bosom. Hitugaya sighed and took the photographs from her.

"What are these-"

Hinamori gasped and Hitugaya's eyes widened. And thus Matsumoto smiled.

"So you see, Taichou, all of your suspicions are indeed correct."

Her Taichou and Hinamori were too busy staring in complete and utter disbelief at the photos she had taken, to notice her. So Matsumoto smiled. Hey! She had enlightened them, hadn't she? Her good deed of the day. Now she could do whatever she wanted. Seeing as she had so much time, oh, well, Hisagi and Kira had never turned down a drinking session before. So she snuck away towards the door-

And the handle was frozen solid.

She turned in confusion to see Hitsugaya glowering at her, his riatsu flaring up to heights rarely seen except in battle, while Hinamori shivered in a corner. Hitsugaya seemed to radiate creepy anger all of a sudden, and Matsumoto was sure she felt the temperature drop some twenty degrees-and did she just spy the ink freezing over?

"_Well, Matsumoto, where was I?"

* * *

_Oh my! I'ma sorry it was so long! Take it as a Christmas present for all of you who read it today. Merry Christmas all! (:

HERE IT IS MEL SO STOP BUGGING ME.

Review please I'll love you (:


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